What is Marriage?

When we were married someone gave us a throw that said, “Marriage: the Beautiful Blending of Two Lives”. After 20 years of seeing this quote every day, I have to agree there is truth in it, but in my words it would probably say, “the blending of two incomplete lives into one whole”. Whether or not that blending becomes something beautiful depends entirely on the effort and care of the artists at work. I don’t know for sure what the dictionary says marriage is, but marriage is certainly something a little different for each couple. One of the things we probably all have in common, though, is the potential to complete and complement each other.

Where one is weak, the other is strong

Each half of a married couple has different strengths, talents, skills, and weaknesses. Often in the areas where one of us is most weak, the other is strong. I might be on time for everything while my husband is late, yet he may be more sensitive to needs of people around him while I’m more task-oriented. And when we come together to create a family, there is that possibility of our family having the very best of attributes.

No one can care for another like a spouse can

As a husband and wife commit to love and care for each other, there is a potential for the kind of tender, sensitive care that no other relationship could ever benefit from. We know each other intimately and we spend our lives together pursuing one purpose. We know the struggles and needs and fears and frailties of the other and are the best fit in the world to minister to that one person.

We often know each other better than we know ourselves

It’s been funny to discover that often, after all these years, my husband sometimes knows me better than I know myself. When we recently played a “Newlywed” game at a Valentine’s party, we didn’t do very well. It wasn’t because my husband didn’t know my favorite book or dessert or song, it was because I didn’t; but when I heard his answers I thought, “Oh, that’s right!” I often seem to know things about him that he doesn’t recognize as well, like his potential and talents and abilities that he doesn’t dare to believe in.

We have complementary God-given roles

Perhaps the most important way we complement each other is in our God-given family roles. I, as wife and mother, have certain responsibilities, and it just so happens that by nature they are the ones I am more fit for. Likewise, my husband’s role fits just what he’s good at and enjoys. In the document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, modern prophets state what has long been assumed: that husbands and wives have divine and separate roles and yet are to help each other as equal partners. “Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” As I have put my best efforts into fulfilling my role, it’s a comfort to know that he is taking care of his.

A beautiful marriage takes effort and care and dedication. It takes each spouse fulfilling their roles, supporting the other, building each other rather than tearing down, and being patient and kind. But the blending of two incomplete lives into one can truly be beautiful.

Why Would I Want a Baby?

I awoke during the night and lay there but couldn’t go back to sleep. I had started thinking with excitement about the changes that will happen in our lives in about 7 weeks: we’re going to have a baby! It’s not that I’ve never had a baby before—I’ve had several (10 to be exact), but anticipation of each one’s arrival is enough to keep me up at night.

Why would anyone want a baby, you may ask. A baby means more responsibility and less sleep. It’s one more person to depend on you for life, diapers, burp cloths and car seats. Why would anyone want a baby? I’ll tell you.

First the more obvious reasons: babies are cute. Whatever you may have heard about newborn babies resembling their own grandpas, they are indescribably cute. And when it’s your own baby and not just a borrowed one, the baby has all the more power over you. The little thing is soft and cuddly and smells  so sweet. Witnessing him become aware of his world is enchanting. At first it’s delightful just to watch him sleep and hear his soft uneven breathing and listen to his little squeaks. Then after a few weeks of making a fool of yourself by talking baby talk and making faces, he finally smiles back at your antics and you begin to hope he recognizes you and loves you half as much as you already love him.

And secondly, on the more serious side, babies complete families, and families are what it’s all about. Families are central for our reason for coming to earth and to our potential for happiness here and hereafter. A baby it not only cute, it is a person. As much as I love to cuddle and care for my babies, I know very well that babies don’t keep—they grow up. When a baby joins our family, it’s not a toy, or a puppy or a kitten, it’s an individual with unlimited potential, latent gifts and talents, and so much to teach us and bring to our family. Each one of our babies has had a unique impact on our family as they’ve grown up and developed their individuality.

But long before they grow up they spend a while being babies, and while they give very little back to us as parents by way of any measurable material benefit, they give us the best gift of all- an opportunity for joy through service. After all, joy isn’t really found in ease and idleness as we are some times tricked into thinking. Joy comes through sacrifice and service. What better way to give needed service without any immediate recompense than in caring for a helpless baby? The secret of happiness often seems like a paradox to our mortal minds, but joy truly comes from what we give, not from what we get. I have experienced this countless times and know for myself that the harder I search for joy the more elusive it becomes, but as I forget my self and serve, joy comes to me. And many of my most joyful moments have been found in the service of my helpless little babies.

So if I find myself up again tonight, unable to sleep, you can bet I won’t be worrying about diapers or car seats, or more sleepless nights ahead. I’ll be thinking about soft cheeks and incredible potential and families. And about joy.

What is Love?

Valentine’s Day is around the corner (or the weekend) so naturally my thoughts turn to love. But what is love, anyway? Have you ever really pondered that?

My daughter’s 14 year-old friend recently shared her definition: “…based off of my first crush….When they look at you, you look away. Whenever you stand near them, you can’t talk. When they talk to you, you mumble and blush and try to play it cool. You think about them a lot you think that you see them everywhere...”

I couldn’t help but giggle at this rather accurate description of infatuation... but what about love? Is it a feeling? Something you can’t control? Is it something you can fall into, like a puddle? Is it something you can create? Imagine? Share? Keep to yourself?

My wise old dictionary has this to say:

 “An affection of the mind excited by beauty and worth of any kind, or by the qualities of an object which communicate pleasure.” Webster’s 1828 Dictionary

But like you may have asked when you were 14, how do you know if it’s real love?

I have to look to my greatest example to judge the feelings I myself have.

Jesus Christ, as in all things, is the perfect example of love. He also had much to say on the subject. He is the one who mentioned loving others as you love yourself, and that the greatest display of love is the laying down of one’s life for those one loves. He exemplified what he taught; he often, in the few pages we have about his life, put the needs of others not equal with his own, but above his own. 

When weary he kept serving (Luke 4:40). When trying to find time to ponder alone, he got up to help (Luke 9:10-11) and of course in his atoning sacrifice, though he pleaded to be released from such unbearable agony if there was any other way to save us, when he found there was not he kept on enduring, all the way to the end, out of love (Luke 22:42).

He laid down his life day by day in his untiring service, washing feet, healing wounds, teaching, feeding, comforting. And in the end he literally laid it down to rescue us.

So, do I love? And what or who do I love? Who do I care about like I care about myself? What am I laying down my life for day by day, even minute by minute. Being human, I’m sometimes distracted, even from what really matters to me. But what do I keep coming back to and never give up on?

I’m pretty sure love is a lot more than mumbling and blushing, or falling in a puddle, or even a strong “affection of the mind”. If I learn anything from Jesus, I think love is a verb.